So, let's check in.
I've been working really hard on my journey towards becoming the best version of myself lately. I'm actually making some progress. I've already told y'all about the improvements to my health so I won't repeat it. I'm also learning what personality traits I have that sort of hinder me from living my best life, and I'm studying up on where they come from and how to manage them in order to enable me to mindfully move forward towards my goals. I'm really serious about this.
But I swear it's a mood, y'all. It's hard work. This process of healing from heartache and making big life changes is certainly not linear. Some days I am optimistic about the future and excited about what lies around the corner for me. Some days I laugh and twirl and think that life couldn't get any better. Other days, I'm just exhausted and discouraged. Maybe even moments of loneliness. It comes in waves. Many of you understand this. And to my friends who listen to me and hand me tissues when I cry and celebrate with me and are rare genuine friends, I see you and I am grateful for you. I hope I can repay you some day. And to those fake friends who have disappeared without a word, I see you too.
I don't know - it's just hard out here sometimes. God is with me though.
I am trying.
So, about feeling lonely. I'm okay being alone, and many times being alone has meant freedom for me. And in some way it is freedom for me these days too. I can do whatever I want whenever I want and it's kinda cool most times. But other times, it's kinda not cool.
Y'all, please know I'm not complaining or feeling sorry for myself. I really don't feel sorry for myself and this is not meant to be a pity party. I live a great life. I mean that.
Where was I? Oh yeah feeling lonely. Lord, I ramble so dadgum much sometimes I don't even know what I'm supposed to be saying. So some years ago, I joined a couple of online dating sites. Because I felt lonely. I needed something to entertain me. Something to look forward to. I didn't think I would ever actually meet anyone in person. Just chat online and maybe a text message or two. Kinda embarrassing and I didn't want anyone to know, but I did it anyway.
Well, I did end up meeting people in person. Lots of them. I had a blast!!! It was so much fun! I still remain friends with some of the best men today (if you're reading this you know who you are), although most of them have gone on to find their sweethearts and are happily in committed relationships or even married. Yes, there were some creeps. Some people weren't at all who they portrayed on the dating site. But, for the most part, most men were nice and relatively normal. I never felt scared or in danger. Obviously, I didn't find my sweetheart but I had a good time. It was a great experience.
I could amuse myself for hours on those sites. Learning to swipe left for No and swipe right for Yes opened up a whole new world of entertainment for me. Swiping is kinda the modern version of Check Yes or No that we had back in the day. Remember, you would get a note from a boy asking if you like him? And then you could either check the Yes box or the No box and send it back to him. In my case, these missives were usually exchanged on the playground at recess. There was always someone who played the role of courier. It was always so dramatic. Times were simpler back then, but some things never really change. Check Swipe - Tomayto Tomahto. It's all the same.
Actually, Check Yes or No is the name of a George Strait song. George Strait is my real boyfriend. My sweetheart. My love. My boo. He's been married a hundred years and I've never met him, but he is, and forever will be, my one and only. A true cowboy who rides horses, ropes steers, and happens to sing songs in his spare time. His words are about love and heartache and saddles and horses and whiskey and things like that. He has a song called "If Heartaches Were Horses" where he sings about being in the saddle all day while, unbeknownst to him, his love packs her things and leaves him. Thought he had life by the reigns, but home ain't home sweet home on the range.
I feel ya, George.
So, basically, I was a swipin' fool back then. Swiping right and left as fast as a photo would pop up. Sometimes I got to swiping so fast I accidentally would swipe right on someone yucky and swipe left on Prince Charming by accident. I could always conjure up a "Sip-n-See" whatever town I happened to be in. A "Sip-n-See" is what I call meeting someone for the first time for a drink at a public place. We sip and we see. You know, we sip cocktails. And we see if we like each other. See if there's any potential. Sometimes we sipped coffee, but I liked the cocktail Sip-n-Sees way better. And then we would part ways and maybe or maybe not schedule another date. Some of the ones I liked didn't like me back and vice versa. But it was okay because it was ALWAYS interesting and entertaining. I did have some doozy Sip-n-Sees!!! LOL - lawd! I'll tell y'all some stories in a future post or two. But after a while, I kinda got tired of seeing the same men pop up over and over again, and I was a little burnt out on sippin' and seein' so I quit swipin'.
Now fast forward 4 years and here I am again.
Just me.
So. I was thinking about joining back up.
I know I'm damaged goods right now. But it has been 6 months. Not that I'm keeping track or anything. Time flies when you're having fun, right? *eye roll* Like I said, I'm beginning to feel moments of loneliness here and there. I go back and forth between it being way too soon and it being okay for me to let myself entertain the idea of meeting someone new. I know it's too soon for me to jump into a relationship, but is it too soon for me to socialize at all? Text messages? Dinner maybe? Sip? See? Nothing too extravagant. I'm not good wife material right now, that's for sure! Probably not even good girlfriend material. I still have a lot of work to do. I am FULLY committed to creating a life of joy, satisfaction, fulfillment, love, etc. etc. etc. with or without someone to share it with.
But I admit I'm starting to get curious again. Starting to think about a social life again. Wondering where the good guys are. Are there any left? Or, at my age are we all just dragging around our sack of rocks marking time until we get called up? Is there true love for people like me anymore? I'd like to think so, but I gotta admit I might be a little jaded. I need to unload some of my rocks.
Workin' on it.
So what do y'all think? Should I take a swipe at it?
Keeping in mind, of course, that I'm all out of give-a-damns.
It's not how many times you get bucked off that counts. It's how many times you saddle back up.
- Unknown
3/5/2021 PostScript:
Y'all I went ahead and did it. I signed up for a couple of the dating sites yesterday. I tried to drum up some halfway decent photos of me which in and of itself may be the worst part about all this. And then I went to swipin'. I will say that it is NOT like riding a bike. I have forgotten the art of swiping. I was swiping yes for people I didn't like and they were sending roses, winking, liking, and doing all the polite things they are supposed to do when someone on the other side of the phone shows interest. I didn't say anything back. I think it's called "ghosting". I guess I ghosted.
One of the sites makes the female send the first communication once a mutual "like" is established. So that happened. He is a very handsome gentleman who is about my age. Not too handsome as to be out of my league though. So we matched and I got up the nerve to send an introductory message. It wasn't very clever but it did tell him that I was new to the scene and he was my first match and I hoped I was doing this right. And his response was that he was honored to be my first match and that meant I had to kiss him.
Excuse me what?
Dude.
Just no.
I ghosted him. I ghosted them all. I deleted the app. I deleted the other app too. This is not for me. I'm old. I'm traditional. I'm conservative. I'm not a stick-in-the-mud, but if talking about kissing somebody when you know absolutely nothing about them is the way we do things now, count me out. I would rather write blog entries and make idiotic videos about tasting food. Plus lake season is just around the corner and that tricked-out double wide makes everything right with the world.
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